Other things I do during class...

A lot of people have been asking me if all I do in class is sit in the back and brood over my notebook, writing down all my miserable thoughts. As picturesque as that would be, unfortunately I subjugate my computer and notepad to more than that. As you'll see and read below, there's lots I do to avoid paying attention. So in this special edition of MISERY, I display the other things I do during class:

1.) Sexually Frustrated Oragami.

Notice the border done with Microsoft Paint.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and when a cute Thai girl was sitting next to me one fateful American Politics class, I thought the only way to her heart was by stereotyping her entire culture. I picked up origami as a conversation starter. Turns out she was into Soccer. And she was Italian. So as I spun my wheels with her, I got better and better at origami, so now whenever the clock ticks by, I think of sweet Maria, pray I don't get blue ball, and hopefully I won't get a paper cut.


2.) Practice Writing with my left hand

I'm going a little crazy with the borders. And I have a weird hand.

The alphabet. Over and over again with my left hand. (I'm right handed for you lolipops out there.) Thing is, I've been doing this for two years and it's not getting better. Wonder what I'm doing wrong.


3.) Make wanted posters for people who never existed.

I don't know why I do this.

4.) Aggregates
I'm actually proud of the way these turned out. In the long run, these go nowhere, like most of my beliefs on religion, but if you have a few minutes to burn and some beer, drink up and get lost in the patterns. Props to Microsoft Paint.

"Ass"

"Cold Room"

"Sort of looks like a lot of toilets"

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Three Haikus about Misery (and then some..)

When paycheck is small,
I can't get important stuff,
Like Telemundo.
~~~~
Some things are awkward.
Like watching my roommate poop.
I wish I was dead.
~~~
Haikus are so gay,
So why am I writing them?
Silly syllables.
.
.
1.) I spent the majority of my Friday looking for cleavage on Facebook.

2.) Afghanistan sounds like a Nacho flavor.

3.) Farewell vegetable dip. I...I loved you.

4.) The only thing colder than my room is Prince Charles's royal sphincter.

5.) I made Dictionary.com say 'penis' today

6.) I hate when babies get more attention than me.

7.) Random memory:
     Me- Hi cousin Anne. Congratulations on the birth of your son. How does it feel to be a new mother?
     Cousin Anne- This is my third son.

8.) Can I be buried with the vegetable dip?

9.) A kid in my class asked me to feel the back of his head. I respectfully declined.

10.) Why won't Zorro use a gun?

11.) I shot Biggie Smalls.

12.) The moles on my arm look like Orien's boner.

13.) I'm sure Masaoka Shiki is thrilled I'm preserving the integrity of Haiku.

14.) No Wyclef. You can not become the president of Haiti.

15.) Haiti is South. That is all I know.

16.) Someone called me a towelhead today. I'm Italian.

17.) The last woman that made me happy was April O'Neil.

18.) My karate kicks are getting higher but my libido is getting lower.

19.) The last time I trusted the word of an adult was pre-Y2K.

20.) I miss sex.

Mr. Burns had better posture than this...

I've been hunched over my laptop for a few days now, mostly looking up pictures of Moses. There's a first draft in my bag that needs to be rewritten and I am behind on some Borges readings, but there's something very charming about Moses and that pose at Sinai. I think I have a thing for Hebrew men. I found a nice little nook in the back of a Writing class, so comfortably nestled (aside from the stabbing pains in my lats), I record my tandem thoughts:

1.) The two most Christian girls from my high school ended up being lesbians. Unfortunately, not with each other.

2.) I was once accused of killing a dog.

3.) Pythagoras is a hypocrite.

4.) A2+B2=My ass.

5.) My professor doesn't know that there was a shooting in Tuscan but he does know that the vending machines are on the first floor.

6.) Did I turn my space heater off?

7.) Last time I cried was when Pinhead died in Hellraiser 2.

8.) I have never seen my professor stand up.

9.) Two words to describe King Tut: Total pussy.

10.) Dad's love for bonsai trees > Dad's love for Don Cheatle in 'Traitor.'

11.) My brother added me on Facebook. He's in the seminary and my current status is 'fucgkinmg deeerunck...'

12.) Time to take down my Facebook.

13.) I did not kill that dog, just a heads up.

14.) If you listen to 'Over the Rainbow' backwards, your penis gets smaller.

15.) I shamelessly flirted with a 16 year old today. Ask me how old I am. Go ahead. Ask me.

16.) Women have breasts. My Professor has breasts. However, my professor is not a woman...a conundrum.

17.) George Eastman's ghost still uses the George Eastman toilet.

18.) When I have to write a paper, I get turned on. The proof is in my internet history.

19.) Juassic Park II: The Chaos Continues for the Super Nintendo is impossible to beat.

20.) I'm one sixteeth Sioux Indian. That is a lie.

21.) Wobniar eht revo erehwemos. Hey, it worked.

22.) I thought my professor's last name was 'Goblin.' I've been calling him Mr. Goblin.

23.) I would like to meet the real Mr. Goblin.

24.) Poor India...

25.) How did Moses get those toned forearms?

26.) Oh...four hour classes...

If I was a boxer...

...then my opponent would be a seven foot juggernaut with a right arm made of the two parking tickets I got this month and I'd take a left haymaker, gloved laced with the D- I got in Criminology, square to my jollies. Let's not forget that little dish I picked up from the airport who had the NAH-erve to say I argue too much. She'd be the rattle snake that bit me in my white ass before I even got in the ring. So as that poison is settling in my system, I fester in a Latin American philosophy class, stewing in my tandem thoughts:

1.) Nothing says you've missed the mark more than when you see Ringo Star when you look in the mirror.

2.) Apparently the word 'finite' is pronounced fine-ite. Thank you college.

3.) Nostradamus is a dick.

4.) The last time I seriously worked out was 2007.

5.) Why is Professor Xavier confined to a wheelchair when he can move anything with his mind?

6.) Dolph Lundgren was born to play Ivan Drago.

7.) Maybe the kid in front of me keeps fidgeting because he knows I'm looking at his three chins.

8.) One chin plus two chins equals C student.

9.) Professor quote: "Having sex with a book is not like having sex with an animal."

10.) I don't own the textbook for this class.

11.) You can tell when my professor got laid because her hair is messy and she can't work the projector.

12.) R.I.P Old Dirty Bastard.

13.) All Greek philosophers had lots of butt sex. Socrates + Credo 4ever!

14.) Since I've been awake, I have probably told 8,000 lies.

15.) I've never had an Irish friend.

16.) Plato said knowledge is infallable. I can't spell infallable.

17.) After much deliberation, the girl next to me is very doable.

18.) She just offered to let me use her book. I said "it's all you," and put my hand on my thigh. What?

19.) During the break I went to the bathroom. My fear of peeing in  public places is fading.

20.) My fear of spiders remains.

21.) My mom went on a spree of buying rosaries. There is something very blasphemous about that.

22.) The smartest guy in this class also has the longest sideburns.

23.) No one said 'Bless you' when I sneezed just now. The world is cold.

Almost 30 thoughts from a 4pm Math class...

...preceded by a two hour overture of Descartes and Hume and a note from Student Services saying my financial aid won't be processed because I don't go to class enough. This Act will conclude with a mad dash to Hess to fill up my gas tank and then off to work the closing shift. In the meantime, these are my tandem thoughts from a 4pm Math class:

1.) I just can't seem to break the 40% barrier on my quizzes.

2.) The professor's shirt is the same color as the quiz.

3.) The girl next to me thinks it is okay to touch my arm when she laughs.

4.) The quadratic curve is the only curve that doesn't make me horny.

5.) Algebra can burn in hell.

6.) No one smiles in this class. Oh yeah, it's math.

7.) The gender of the (I hesitate to say) girl in front me is up for speculation.

8.) Male.

9.) No Female.

10.) I feel like my professor would be more comfortable in a diaper.

11.) This building smells like coffee and ass.

12.) I wish the big titted girl didn't drop this class.

13.) Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to spank your dad again. Ahhhh....Paulie Simon.

14.) I've never been more flaccid.

15.) Man, the gingerbread man almost got away.

16.) Student question: "Is the reflection going to be on the y-axis if the negative sign is inside the square?" Teacher response: "Okay."

17.) I only looked good in one winter hat and I lost it in a Target parking lot.

18.) If I add a '1' in front of my quiz grade, I did pretty well.

19.) Satan's favorite game is probably Ultimate Frisbee. What a bro.

20.) I made the mistake of telling my girlfriend I've seen Carrie Fischer nudes.

21.) Thank you, Tony Hawk, for making skateboarding look easy. THPS Rules!

22.) Mickey Rourke is the lowest common denominator.

23.) Gender update: The girl in front of me shifted and I saw no sign of breasts.

24.) 3/x = 4-5/x

25.) Rule of Thumb: Cheat on all math quizzes. All the time.

26.) Why is the Phantom of the Opera there inside my mind?

27.) The kid to my right is wearing a batman hoodie, equipped with a utility belt and a mask, but no soap.

28.) I'm going to be late for work.